WITH THE LOCAL PRIMARY ELECTION RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER, ILLEGITIMATE MEDINA COUNTY "jUDGE WEASELPECKER" COLLIER IS FACING HIS FIRST CHALLENGE TO HIS HERETOFORE LIFETIME APPOINTMENT TO THE MEDINA COUNTY BENCH. IT'S ENOUGH TO GIVE HIM THE WILLIES!
IT IS CLEAR THAT, TO WIN IN A REAL ELECTION FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LACKLUSTER "CAREER" AS A THIRD RATE, LOW-RENT, BOTTOM-FEEDING "ATTORNEY," COLLIER IS GOING TO HAVE TO DO AN AWFUL LOT OF LYIN' AND DENYIN' ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL IF HE'S GOING TO FOOL ENOUGH OF THE LOCAL POPULACE TO VOTE FOR HIM IN ORDER TO PREVAIL IN A REAL ELECTION, SINCE HE WAS APPOINTED IN THE FIRST PLACE AND HAS NEVER HAD ANY OPPOSITION IN ANY "ELECTION" SINCE.
THAT FREE PASS WAS GRANTED TO "WEASELPECKER," UNTIL NOW THAT IS, BY CORRUPT MEDINA PROSECUTOR DINO HOE-MAN (WITH EMPHASIS ON "HOE"), THE "GODFATHER" OF MEDINA ORGANIZED CRIME.
JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME, "WEASELPECKER" COLLIER SCORED THE POLITICAL ENDORSEMENT OF A LIFETIME FROM THE PRESTIGIOUS OFF FAMILY (NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH "SCORING" WITH HIS COURT REPORTER, DONNA GARRITY). THE OFF FAMILY IS RATHER WEALTHY, POLITICALLY INFLUENTIAL, AND WELL BRANDED. IN FACT, THE FAMILY NAME IS PROUDLY DISPLAYED ON CONTAINERS OF "OFF MOSQUITO REPELLENT" AND AN ENTIRE LINE OF RELATED PRODUCTS FOUND IN STORES ACROSS THE NATION.
AFTER LEARNING THAT "WEASELPECKER" COLLIER WON THE ENDORSEMENT OF SUCH A POLITICALLY POWERFUL FAMILY, THE BLOGGER SAT DOWN WITH JOHN OFF, SR., THE FAMILY PATRIARCH, TO DISCUSS HIS ENDORSEMENT.
MR. OFF IS A GENUINELY WARM AND ENGAGING INDIVIDUAL. AFTER A BRIEF INTRODUCTION, WE SAT DOWN IN THE PARLOR OF THE OFF FAMILY HOME.
"JUST CALL ME JACK," STATED MR. OFF.
MR. OFF REPORTED HE HAS A SON, JOHN, JR., AND A GRANDSON, JOHN OFF, III.
THEN, WITHOUT ANY PRETENSION, MR. OFF STATED HIS WAS A CLOSE FAMILY, AND, WHEN THEY GET TOGETHER, ALL THREE MALE MEMBERS ARE SIMPLY CALLED THE THREE JACK OFFS.
THE CONVERSATION TURNED TO HIS ENDORSEMENT OF "WEASELPECKER" COLLIER. MR. OFF STATED THAT HE LOOKS AT COLLIER AS ANOTHER SON AND WAS PROUD OF COLLIER'S ACHIEVEMENT AS AN "ATTORNEY" AND "JUDGE," GIVEN THE FACT THAT COLLIER IS MENTALLY CHALLENGED AND CAN NEITHER READ NOR WRITE. HE SAID THAT EVERY TIME HE SEES A PICTURE OF COLLIER IN THE MEDINA GASSETTE, HE OFTEN SAYS TO HIMSELF, OUT LOUD, "THERE'S ANOTHER 'JACK OFF' ON THE BENCH." "I'M MIGHTY PROUD," HE STATED.
MR. OFF STATED HE'S PREPARED TO PUT HIS MONEY WHERE HIS MOUTH IS. HE AND HIS FAMILY ARE CONTEMPLATING PURCHASING A NUMBER OF BUMPER STICKERS FOR THE REPUBLICAN WING OF THE REPUBLICRAT PARTY, PROMOTING "WEASELPECKER'S" ILL-CONCEIVED CANDIDACY FOR PUBLIC OFFICE.
MR. OFF AND HIS FAMILY WANT TO SHOW THEIR SOLIDARITY WITH COLLIER AND HAVE COME UP WITH A COUPLE OF SNAPPY SLOGANS TO GRAB PUBLIC ATTENTION AS THEY ARE DISPLAYED ON PICKUP TRUCKS TOOLING AROUND THE COUNTY.
ONE OF THE PROPOSED SLOGANS IS "JACK OFFS 4 COLLIER." ANOTHER SUCH SLOGAN, REFERRING TO THE SENIOR MR. OFF, IS "JACK OFF WITH COLLIER." MR OFF IS EVEN THINKING ABOUT PLACING THE PROPOSED SLOGANS ON LOCALLY MARKETED BRANDS OF "OFF MOSQUITO REPELLENT." THAT IS AN IDEA STILL BOUNCING AROUND IN HIS HEAD AND HAS YET TO BE FIRMED UP.
AS THE CONVERSATION CAME TO A CLOSE, CONVERSATION TURNED TO THE MARCH PRIMARY ELECTION. WHEN ASKED WHETHER HE AND HIS FAMILY MEMBERS WILL BE IN TOWN AT THE PRIMARY ELECTION, MR. OFF REPLIED, "YOU BET. ME AND MY BOYS WILL ALL BE THERE AND YOU CAN BE SURE THAT EVERY 'JACK OFF' IN THE COUNTY WILL TURN OUT TO CAST A BALLOT FOR COLLIER TO KEEP ANOTHER 'JACK OFF' ON THE BENCH!"
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