"TIS THE SEASON TO BE MERRY! STOCKING STUFFERS FOR ILLEGITIMATE MEDINA "jUDGE WEASELPECKER COLLIER FROM CORRUPT MEDINA COUNTY PROSECUTOR DINO HOE-MAN, THE "GODFATHER" OF MEDINA ORGANIZED CRIME

AS WE APPROACH CHRISTMAS EVE, 'TIS THE SEASON TO BE MERRY!  THE ANNUAL CHRISTMAS PARTY AT THE MEDINA COUNTY COURTHOUSE, MOSQUE, BROTHEL, AND RAILROAD STATION IS REPORTED TO HAVE BEEN A TRULY FESTIVE OCCASION, ACCOMPANIED BY THE TRADITIONAL GIFT EXCHANGE.

CORRUPT MEDINA COUNTY PROSECUTOR DINO HOE-MAN (WITH EMPHASIS ON "HOE"), THE "GODFATHER" OF HIS MEDINA CRIME SYNDICATE, THE MEDINA MOB, HAS "SURPRISED" "WEASELPECKER" COLLIER WITH A PLETHORA OF APPROPRIATE SEASONAL GIFTS, SHOWN BELOW.

FOR THE SPELLING CHALLENGED "WEASELPECKER," THE LATEST EDITION OF SPELLING FOR DUMMIES.  SURELY, READERS WILL RECALL THAT "WEASELPECKER" LACKS BASIC SPELLING SKILLS THAT HAVE BEEN MASTERED LONG AGO BY K-8 GRADE STUDENTS.  THIS MORON SPELLS "LETTUCE" AS "L-U-T-T-I-C-E," AND HE SPELLS "PROVERBIAL" AS "P-E-R-V-E-R-B-I-A-L," AMONG MANY OTHER BUTCHERED WORDS.  THE BLOGGER'S FAVORITE "WEASELPECKER" FAUX PAS, HOWEVER, IS "LEPRECHAUN," WHICH HE SPELLS AS "L-E-P-E-R-C-H-A-U-N."  A LEPER CHAUN?

NEXT WE HAVE A RESEARCH ANTHOLOGY WHICH WILL CERTAINLY BE OF VALUE TO "WEASELPECKER" COLLIER, LAW FOR DUMMIES.  THE TITLE REALLY FITS, DOESN'T IT?  ADMITTEDLY, THIS VOLUME IS INTENDED TO BE A LAW PRIMER, WHICH MAY REALLY BE TOO ADVANCED IN SUBJECT MATTER FOR "WEASELPECKER."  OH WELL, IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.  BESIDES, CORRUPT MEDINA COUNTY PROSECUTOR DINO HOE-MAN, THE "GODFATHER" OF MEDINA ORGANIZED CRIME, MAKES ALL THE DECISIONS AND RULINGS, ANYWAY.

THESE ARE REALLY VALUABLE FOR "WEASELPECKER" WHO CAN PRETEND HE'S PAYING ATTENTION FROM THE BENCH WHEN, IN REALITY, HE'S SNOOZING EXCEPT WHEN SUSTAINING ALL OF THE STATE'S UNFOUNDED OBJECTIONS. TWO PAIR OF ELEGANT DESIGNER EYEGLASSES.  SURE TO DO THE JOB.

NEXT WE HAVE A COLORFUL ELECTRIC SHOCK COLLAR FOR HOE-MAN'S LAPDOG.  AFTER ALL, THERE ARE TIMES THAT HOE-MAN HAS TO REMIND "WEASELPECKER" JUST WHO IS REALLY CALLING THE SHOTS AND RUNNING THE SHOW IN "WEASELPECKER" COLLIER'S KANGAROO COURTROOM #1.  READERS WILL NOTE THE LONG-DISTANCE RADIO TRANSMITTER  THAT HOE-MAN CAN USE TO GIVE "WEASLPECKER" A JOLT, NOW AND THEN, WITHOUT HAVING TO LEAVE HIS OFFICE.

BUT WHAT ABOUT WHEN COLLIER IS OFF THE BENCH AND IN CHAMBERS WITH HIS COURT REPORTER, PARAMOUR, MISTRESS AND MAIN SQUEEZE, DONNA "HAVE IT YOUR WAY" GARRITY?  WELL HOE-MAN HAS THAT COVERED TOO.

WHEN HE'S AT HIS DESK, AND FEELS THE NEED TO SNACK, HERE'S A CANDY TREAT SURE TO DELIGHT AND SATISFY "WEASELPECKER'S" SWEET TOOTH WHILE, AT THE SAME TIME, SWOONING OVER GARRITY.

OF COURSE, WHEN HUDDLED WITH HOE-MAN, PLANNING THEIR NEFARIOUS STRATEGY TO FURTHER ENCROACH THE CIVIL LIBERTIES AND CONSTITUTIONAL PROTECTIONS OF THE LOCAL CITIZENRY, HERE'S AN ENTIRE BOX OF GHEE HODD CHEW.

INVITING LOCAL ATTORNEYS INTO HIS CHAMBERS, "WEASELPECKER" WANTS EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT HE EXPECTS TO BE TREATED LIKE ROYALTY.  WHAT BETTER TO IMPRESS MEMBERS OF THE MEDINA COUNTY BAR & PICKPOCKET ASSN. THAN A GILDED CROWN?

FOR THOSE PRIVATE MOMENTS, WHILE SITTING IN THE THRONE IN HIS CHAMBERS, WHAT BETTER WAY TO SOOTHE "WEASELPECKER'S" FRAGILE EGO THAN EXTRA SOFT TOILET PAPER, FIT FOR A KING?

HERE, OF COURSE, IS A LITTLE READING MATERIAL FOR "WEASELPECKER" WHILE HE'S SEATED ON HIS REGAL THRONE.

FOR THOSE INTIMATE, ROMANTIC LUNCHEONS IN CHAMBERS WITH HIS MISTRESS DONNA "HAVE IT YOUR WAY" GARRITY, "WEASELPECKER" CAN TURN THE LIGHTS DOWN LOW AND MUNCH AWAY BY CANDLELIGHT.

BEST OF ALL, HOE-MAN IS LOOKING TO THE FUTURE AND, IN CONSIDERATION OF "WEASELPECKER'S" FUTURE PROSPECTS, HE HAS GIFTED "WEASELPECKER" WITH A PROFESSIONAL TATTOO KIT.  WITH THIS IMPORTANT KIT, "WEASELPECKER" COLLIER CAN PRACTICE HIS "ART" IN THE FEDERAL PENITENTIARY AND EARN A FEW CANDY BARS ALONG THE WAY.  WHO KNOWS?  HOE-MAN MAY WIND UP BEING HIS FIRST "CUSTOMER"IN THE NEXT CELL!

SETTING ASIDE, FOR THE MOMENT, ALL THESE WONDERFUL GIFTS "WEASELPECKER" RECEIVED FROM THE "GODFATHER" OF MEDINA ORGANIZED CRIME, THE ENTIRE STAFF OF THE MEDINA COUNTY COURTHOUSE, MOSQUE, BROTHEL, AND RAILROAD STATION HAVE ALL CHIPPED IN TO GIVE "WEASELPECKER" COLLIER THE PERFECT GIFT AS A TOKEN OF THEIR ESTEEM,
A CHIPOTLE GIFT CARD.

BON APPETIT, "WEASLEPECKER"!!!