FOLLOWING IS A COPY OF THE FORMAL STATEMENT THAT "WEASELPECKER" COLLIER GAVE TO AIR FORCE INVESTIGATORS FOLLOWING HIS SECOND REPORTED ALIEN ABDUCTION.
Recently I decided to make an epic journey to Ashland County, to feel the pulse of the citizens protected by the United States Constitution (unlike Medina County), hear the voices and songs of the wonderful people of this broad and sweeping rural county. I got more than I expected.
As some of you may have heard, I had an unexpected and somewhat disturbing encounter while in Mifflin, Ohio. I lost 3 days of my life and have almost no memories of it.
In early May I was driving past the Wayside Inn, a local drinking hole near Mifflin Ohio. I stopped in for a couple of stiff Shirley Temples, topped with whipped cream and a cherry. It was around 8:30 pm the last time I looked at the clock on the wall. The next thing I know I’m standing nude in a wooded area in broad daylight, about 30 yards from my car. My pants and shoes were missing, I was standing on the muddy ground in my pink crocs and wearing my velvet asshat (which I normally wear only on the golf course when local attorneys are paying my greens fees - it's a perk of the "job").
PHOTO BY DONNA GARRITY
DONNA GARRITY, my paramour, mistress, main squeeze, and "official" court reporter (with benefits), a regular at the Wayside Inn, suggested I had been abducted by aliens, like a lot of folks who drink there. She said she had seen some strange lights recently down in a field from the back seat of my car while I was removing her undergarments. Honestly I don’t know what happened with me. I was a bit shaken up and unable to focus my thoughts for a day or two. Fortunately I had a bench trial that did not require my attention, since Assistant Prosecutor Salisbury made all the important decisions for me and convicted the defendant anyway, notwithstanding the lack of any competent and credible evidence of guilt.
And I am unable to account for my whereabouts for the previous days. A strange burn mark was on my Johnson, like a "hickey". Three bite marks forming a triangle on my pubic area.. It has since faded away. I also got poison ivy on my testicles and am being treated for it right now. DONNA GARRITY is regularly applying calamine lotion to them. It feels so good!
Slowly I’m recalling some memories of the missing time, but they just don’t make any sense. Bright lights and small children walking around me, one was holding some sort of glowing smartphone, but more like a thin glowing eraser than a square I Phone, just like the the erasers that DONNA GARRITY and I regularly use to alter transcripts before she files them in the Court of Appeals. That makes no sense since I hate kids, including my own.
This week I start my series of blogs on DOING GARRITY, but thought I should post this article first to assure my readers I am ok and back safely in my Kangaroo Courtroom #1 at the Medina County Courthouse, mosque, brothel & railroad station. A warm thank you for the concern and kind wishes from my "supporters," including all three of the Jack Offs who voted for me in the primary election.. More to come as I slowly recall even more of my alien encounters. And if anyone has any insights or ideas about my sanity I would love to hear your thoughts. I feel alone and confused about all this, much as I am confused and confounded by the law.
In the meanwhile, I will continue to nurse my itching and aching testicles with the expert assistance from DONNA GARRITY who is known for her expert ball handling.
In the meanwhile, I will continue to nurse my itching and aching testicles with the expert assistance from DONNA GARRITY who is known for her expert ball handling.
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