RECENT EVENTS HAVE DEBUNKED THOSE RUMORS! FOLLOWING IS A NEWS RELEASE FROM REUTERS NEWS AGENCY:
“Weaselpecker” Collier might be “donning” a new look soon, after the philandering, illegitimate “judge” was ordered by a federal judge on Monday to pay out a $1,300 fine for the death of an endangered animal, which was used to help make his recently ordered pubic hair toupee.
“Weaselpecker’s” wig, crafted exclusively for him by famed Cleveland area hair weaver at the “OMAR THE TENT MAKER” Hair Emporium in East Cleveland, uses the pubic hair of the critically-endangered spotted water buffalo, a neotropical mammal found in small numbers in and around Colombia. The wigmakers have been under investigation since 2013 for allegedly paying drug cartels to hunt and kill the rare buffalo and ship their pubic hair to the United States, for use in their extremely tacky wigs.
“Weaselpecker” reportedly paid little more than $8.12 for the hairpiece, which is one of a kind and uses more of the endangered animal’s pubic hair than any other wig the company makes. The wig’s crafters allegedly used the pubic hair from the endangered spotted water buffalo, which are endangered, to improve the hair’s tactile feel and general texture. All of the water buffalo pubic hair used in the creation of the wig was carefully, expertly dyed to more closely resemble “Weaselpecker’s” pubic hair, which Donna Garrity has been shaving for him since the mid-1990’s.
“Weaselpecker’s” “official court reporter (with benefits) Donna “Have it Your Way” Garrity refused to comment on the court’s decision, though another court reporter says “Weaselpecker” is “absolutely deranged” and that “he’s stuck between a rock and a hard place, because he can’t publicly admonish the decision without tipping his hand, or in this case, his new toupee,” adding later that “he doesn’t want anyone to know he intends to wear a wig, believing that no one will actually notice that he’s chosen to cover his chrome dome with endangered water buffalo pubic hair.