Wednesday, August 16, 2017

PINOCCHIO CENTNER TAKES CENTER STAGE TO AUDIENCE CRIES OF "DILDO" !!!

THE CURTAIN CAME DOWN ON THE MEDINA PLAYERS' PRODUCTION OF THE BOBBIT, WITH STRONG PERFORMANCES BY PHILANDERING, ILLEGITIMATE "jUDGE WEASELPECKER" COLLIER IN THE LEAD ROLE OF DILDO BAGGINS, THE PROTAGONIST.  EQUALLY IMPRESSIVE WAS THE STRONG PERFORMANCE OF "WEASLPECKER" COLLIER'S OFFICIAL COURT REPORTER (WITH BENEFITS) DONNA "HAVE IT YOUR WAY" GARRITY AS "WEASELPECKER'S" BIMBO,  IN THE ROLE OF BIMBO BAGGINS.

THE FINAL EVENING OF THE PRODUCTION, MET WITH A STANDING OVATION, WAS NOT WITHOUT INCIDENT, HOWEVER.  AS THE FINAL CURTAIN CAME DOWN, THE AUDIENCE LET OUT WITH CHANTS OF, "DILDO!  DILDO! DILDO!"

IN AN EMBARRASSING MOMENT, EVEN BEFORE THE ENTIRE CAST HAD ASSEMBLED FOR THE CURTAIN CALL, PINOCCHIO CENTNER, A PENCIL-PUSHING DESK JOCKEY AT THE SHERIFF'S OFFICE DARTED ONTO THE STAGE IN THE MISTAKEN BELIEF THE AUDIENCE WAS CALLING FOR HIS APPEARANCE, AND UNDERSTANDABLY SO.

AS IT TURNS OUT, CENTNER HAD BEEN AN UNDERSTUDY FOR "WEASELPECKER" COLLIER IN THE ROLE OF DILDO BAGGINS!

FOLLOWING THE CURTAIN CALL, THE MEDIA CRITIC FROM THE MEDINA GASSETTE SOUGHT COMMENT FROM "WEASELPECKER" COLLIER ABOUT CENTNER'S OBVIOUS FAUX PAS.

"WEASELPECKER" COLLIER, TRYING TO SMOOTH IT ALL OVER, SIMPLY CALLED IT ALL A COLOSSAL MISTAKE, CITING TO THE FACT THAT CENTNER HAD BEEN HIS UNDERSTUDY AND DESERVED SOME RECOGNITION AS A DILDO !  "NO HARM DONE THOUGH," SAID "WEASELPECKER."  '"I AM CONFIDENT THAT CENTNER MAY VERY WELL LAND THE LEAD ROLE OF DILDO BAGGINS IN THE EVENT WE  SHOULD REPRISE THE PRODUCTION.  I KNOW OF NO ONE ELSE MORE QUALIFIED TO PLAY THE LEAD ROLE OF THE DILDO IN THE WHOLE OF MEDINA COUNTY.  BESIDES, IT WILL GIVE HIM THE OPPORTUNITY TO GET OFF HIS DEAD ASS AND FROM BEHIND HIS DESK.  BEING A DESK JOCKEY, LIKE CENTNER IS, TENDS TO WARP THE PERSPECTIVE OF THE REALITIES OF THE ACTUAL NEEDS OF THE COMMUNITY!"

SO, "WEASELPECKER" COLLIER HAS GRACEFULLY PASSED THE BATON TO PINOCCHIO CENTNER, FROM ONE DILDO TO ANOTHER.

BRAVO !!!

Saturday, August 12, 2017

LAFAYETTE TOWNSHIP: A GOOD PLACE TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER!

ONCE THE DRUG DEALERS IN CLEVELAND AND AKRON GET WIND OF THE FACT THAT HOMICIDES COMMITTED IN LAFAYETTE TOWNSHIP, THE "SUICIDE" RATE IN LAFAYETTE TOWNSHIP IS CERTAINLY TO RISE DRAMATICALLY!

IN FACT, THE NUMBER OF DRUG DEALERS RELOCATING TO LAFAYETTE TOWNSHIP IS BOUND TO GROW EXPONENTIALLY!

SOON, LAFAYETTE TOWNSHIP WILL BE THE NEW SHOWPLACE OF DOPER RIDES, CUSTOM PAINT JOBS, GOLD LOW-RIDER RIMS, AND 1,000,000 DECIBEL AMPLIFIERS TO ENTERTAIN THE NEIGHBORS WITH RAP MUSIC.

IT SOUNDS LIKE PARADISE DOESN'T IT?

CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING HYPOTHETICAL.

MAURICE, A CLEVELAND DRUG DEALER WITH MANY COMPETITIVE ENEMIES, DECIDES THAT IT IS GOOD FOR BUSINESS TO MOVE TO LAFAYETTE TOWNSHIP TO AVOID THE PRYING EYES OF REAL POLICE.

MAURICE DECIDES TO BUILD A HOME, VALUED AT $850,000, NEAR THE PRESENT LOCATION OF INNOVATION PARK.  NOW MAURICE, LIKE ALL ACCOMPLISHED DRUG DEALERS, HAS A PENCHANT FOR FULLY AUTOMATIC WEAPONS SO AS TO BEST THE COMPETITION.  MAURICE, OF COURSE, NEEDS A FAIRLY LARGE RURAL PROPERTY WITH AMPLE ROOM TO FIRE HIS AUTOMATIC WEAPONS IN THE COURSE OF TARGET PRACTICE.

AFTER MAURICE'S HOME IS FINALLY CONSTRUCTED AND FITTED WITH SECURITY CAMERAS, MAURICE DECIDES HE NEEDS TO HAVE A FEW PETS AROUND HIS RURAL PROPERTY. MAURICE THEN GOES TO THE APL AND "ADOPTS" SIX FULLY GROWN PIT BULL CANINES, ALL PREVIOUSLY QUARANTINED FOLLOWING ATTACKS ON HUMANS.  ACTUALLY, MAURICE DECIDES TO FORM A NON-PROFIT PIT BULL RESCUE AND RECEIVES A TAX ABATEMENT FROM BETHANY DENTLER, THE DE FACTO MAYOR OF MEDINA COUNTY, WITH THE FULL APPROVAL OF LAFAYETTE TRUSTEE LYNDA BOWERS.  AFTER ALL, THE FIRST AND ONLY TIME MAURICE VOTED IN ANY ELECTION, HE DECLARED HIMSELF TO BE A REPUBLICRAT.

NEIGHBORS EVENTUALLY BECOME CONCERNED THAT THEY HEAR GUNSHOTS COMING FROM THE DIRECTION OF MAURICE'S HOUSE AT ALL HOURS OF THE DAY AND NIGHT, WHICH SHERIFF'S DE(PEW)TIES DISMISS AS NOTHING MORE THAN MAURICE AT TARGET PRACTICE AT 3:00 AM!

ON THE FOLLOWING DAY, SHERIFF'S DE(PEW)TIES RESPOND TO THE REPORT OF A BODY FOUND LYING ON THE BERM OF THE ROADWAY APPROXIMATELY 1 MILE SOUTH OF MAURICE'S HOME.

NEARBY, THEY FIND THE VICTIM'S ABANDONED BULLET-RIDDLED GOLD CADILLAC.

LAFAYETTE TOWNSHIP TRUSTEES ARE IMMEDIATELY NOTIFIED AND RESPOND PROMPTLY TO THE SCENE.  LYNDA BOWERS, AROUSED BY HER CURIOSITY, GOES THROUGH THE POCKETS OF THE VICTIM LOOKING FOR ANY "SECRET NOTES" WHILE THE DE(PEW)TIES LOOK ON,  JUST LIKE SHE RUMMAGED THROUGH THE CRIME SCENE AT THE LAFAYETTE ADMIN BUILDING ON DECEMBER 16, 2016, THE DATE OF THE REPORTED "DISAPPEARANCE" OF LAFAYETTE TOWNSHIP TRUSTEE BRYON MACRON, LOOKING FOR ANY "SECRET NOTE" THAT BRYON MAY HAVE LEFT BEHIND (THAT BY BOWERS' OWN ADMISSION).

AT ABOUT THAT TIME, SHERIFF "I DUNNO" MILLER AND CRAPTAIN PINOCCHIO CENTNER ARRIVE ON SCENE.  THE CORONER'S INVESTIGATOR INFORMS MILLER AND CENTNER THAT THE VICTIM SUSTAINED 14 BULLET WOUNDS, INCLUDING 6 IN THE BACK AND 2 AT THE BACK OF THE HEAD!

AFTER CONFERRING BRIEFLY, MILLER AND CENTNER COME TO MUTUAL AGREEMENT THAT THE VICTIM OBVIOUSLY COMMITTED SUICIDE!

AT A PRESS CONFERENCE HELD 8 MONTHS LATER, WHEN THE FINAL AUTOPSY REPORT IS RELEASED, CRAPTAIN PINOCCHIO CENTNER STANDS BEFORE THE NEWS CAMERAS AND BOLDLY DECLARES

"THIS IS THE MOST OBVIOUS CASE OF SUICIDE I HAVE EVER SEEN.  IN ALL OF MY MANY YEARS ON THIS JOB, SITTING BEHIND A DESK AND PUSHING A PENCIL, BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY I HAVE READ A LOT OF SUICIDE REPORTS.

"WHILE THE CORONER HAS RULED THE CAUSE AND MANNER OF DEATH TO BE "UNDETERMINED," WE CANNOT RULE OUT THAT EUGENE SMITH, THE VICTIM, MAY HAVE DIED FROM SELF-INDUCED LEAD POISONING.

"DURING OUR EXTENSIVE INVESTIGATION, WE LEARNED THAT EUGENE INCURRED A LARGE AMOUNT OF DEBT AND ENGAGED IN ACTIVITIES UNKNOWN TO HIS FAMILY, BUT WE ARE NOT GOING TO GET INTO THAT.  WE DIDN'T SPEND A WHOLE LOT OF TIME INVESTIGATING IN MR. SMITH'S NEIGHBORHOOD BECAUSE OF ALL THOSE SCARY BLACK GUYS HANGING AROUND AND OUR SWAD (SPECIAL WEAPONS AND DONUTS) TEAM WASN'T AVAILABLE.

"IT IS CLEAR TO OUR FINE SQUAD OF "SUMMER'S EVE" DEFECTIVES THAT EUGENE SMITH WAS THE ONLY PERSON INVOLVED IN HIS DEATH."

LAFAYETTE TOWNSHIP, UNDER PRESENT CIRCUMSTANCES, IS SURE TO BECOME A DOPE DEALER'S NIRVANA WHERE YOU CAN COMMIT MURDER AND GET AWAY WITH IT!

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

IT'S TIME TO GO GREEN! A FISCALLY SOUND PROPOSAL SURELY TO BE A BOON TO LOCAL TAXPAYERS!

IT IS FINALLY TIME FOR MEDINA COUNTY GOVERNMENT TO MOVE INTO THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY AND GO GREEN! BURNING FOSSIL FUELS IS DEGRADING THE PLANET CONTRIBUTING TO GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE, WHICH BRINGS WITH IT RISING SEA LEVELS.  MEDINA COUNTY, LOCATED DEEP WITHIN THE LAWLESS LAKE ERIE BAYOU, WILL MOST CERTAINLY BE AFFECTED.

TOWARD THE END OF ACHIEVING SUSTAINABILITY AND SAVING THE PLANET, THE BLOGGER OFFERS UP THE FOLLOWING FISCALLY SOUND PROPOSAL THAT WILL BE A BOON TO LOCAL TAXPAYERS AND IN THE COURSE OF SO DOING, MAKE MEDINA COUNTY THE ENVY OF OTHER LOCAL GOVERNMENTS THROUGHOUT THE LAND SUCH AS COOK COUNTY, ILLINOIS AND DADE COUNTY, FLORIDA (BOTH OF WHICH, LIKE MEDINA COUNTY,  HAVE A RICH AND STORIED HISTORY OF PUBLIC CORRUPTION).

THE MEDINA GASSETTE, THE ORACLE OF THE MEDINA COUNTY REPUBLICRAT PARTY, HAS RECENTLY PUBLISHED A PENETRATING "INVESTIGATIVE" ARTICLE ANNOUNCING THAT SHERIFF "I DUNNO" MILLER'S CHIEF BEAN COUNTER AND DESK JOCKEY, CRAPTAIN PINOCCHIO CENTNER IS PREPARED TO APPROACH THE COUNTY COMMISSIONERS FOR MORE MONEY TO PURCHASE TWO NEW CARS FOR DONUT RUNS TO DUNKIN' DONUTS.

ACCORDING TO THE ARTICLE, PINOCCHIO CENTER IS PREPARED TO ARGUE THAT TWO CARS IN THE SHERIFF'S FLEET EACH HAVE IN EXCESS OF 200,000 MILES, THAT IS 400,000 MILES IN THE AGGREGATE.  CAN READERS IMAGINE JUST HOW MANY DONUT RUNS THESE CARS HAVE MADE TO DUNKIN' DONUTS?

THE ARTICLE GOES ON TO CITE PINOCCHIO CENTNER WHO CLAIMS THE REPLACEMENT COST OF EACH VEHICLE TO BE $40, 000 PER COPY, FOR THE TOTAL SUM OF $80,000, MORE OR LESS.

CAN YOU, THE READERS, IMAGINE HOW MANY DOZENS OF DONUTS $80,000 CAN BUY?

GO GREEN PROPOSAL

IF MEMORY SERVES, CRAPTAIN PINOCCHIO CENTNER, AFTER DUTIFULLY COUNTING ALL THE BEANS, HAS CLAIMED THAT THE SHERIFF EXPENDED MORE THAN $169,000 ON VEHICLE REPAIRS AND MAINTENANCE.  ADD FUEL COSTS TO THAT AND READERS WILL QUICKLY CONCLUDE THAT TAXPAYERS ARE HAVING A SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF THEIR TAX DOLLARS EXPENDED ON THIRD-RATE "SERVICES" (IF THAT IS THE PROPER TERM) FROM THE SHERIFF.  READERS NEED LOOK NO FURTHER THAN THE NO-INVESTIGATION INTO THE MURDER OF LAFAYETTE TOWNSHIP TRUSTEE BRYON MACRON, WHICH THESE MORONS HAVE UNSUCCESSFULLY TRIED TO PASS OFF AS A SUICIDE TO COVER UP POLITICAL INTRIGUE IN MEDINA COUNTY.

EVEN STEVIE WONDER CAN SEE THIS CRIME WAS NOT A SUICIDE!

WITH AN EYE TO FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY, THE BLOGGER OFFERS THE FOLLOWING GREEN ALTERNATIVE TO REPLACING HIGH-MILEAGE, GAS GUZZLERS WITH A FLEET OF SENSIBLE, ECO-FRIENDLY VEHICLES SUITED TO PERFECTLY MEET THE SHERIFF'S TRANSPORTATION NEEDS.

THE BASIC PATROL VEHICLE

SHOWN BELOW IS THE BASIC, NO-FRILLS PATROL VEHICLE TO BE ASSIGNED TO THE SHERIFF'S ROAD DIVISION, WITH A BASE PRICE RANGING FROM $355-$405.  TAXPAYERS WOULD LIKELY SEE A SIGNIFICANT VOLUME DISCOUNT ON THE PURCHASE OF 50 OR MORE REPLACEMENT PATROL VEHICLES!












THIS STUNNING BASIC PATROL VEHICLE IS STREET LEGAL, ELECTRICALLY OPERATED AND EQUIPPED WITH A HIGH PERFORMANCE 1,000 WATT, 250 CC ENGINE, PERFECT FOR PURSUING THOSE WAYWARD JUVENILES IN POSSESSION OF WEED, THE CREATION OF THE DEVIL!

THE BASIC PATROL VEHICLES WILL HAVE TO BE SELECTIVELY UPGRADED, HOWEVER, AT A SLIGHT UP CHARGE!  FOR EXAMPLE, THE HANDLEBARS WILL HAVE TO BE UPGRADED WITH RED COLORED EMERGENCY LIGHTING, SHOWN BELOW.




THE UPGRADE COST IS A MERE $2.44 (WITH FREE SHIPPING),  A REAL BARGAIN AT ANY WANNABE COP SHOP!  THIS NIFTY LITTLE NUMBER WILL GIVE FAIR WARNING TO DRIVERS TRAVELING AT LESS THAN 20 MPH TO CLEAR THE ROADWAY AND MAKE WAY FOR SHERIFF'S DE(PEW)TIES IN HOT PURSUIT OF THOSE JUVIES LITTERING THE COUNTY WITH CANDY BAR WRAPPERS.

HEAVY-DUTY SHOCKS WILL ALSO BE A REQUIRED UPGRADE.  THESE DE(PEW)TIES HAVE REALLY BEEN PACKING ON THE POUNDS WITH ALL THE DONUTS THEY'VE BEEN GOBBLING UP!

AN OPTIONAL CARGO CARRIER, SHOWN BELOW, IS A MANDATORY UPGRADE, SUFFICIENT TO TRANSPORT NO FEWER THAN A BAKER'S DOZEN (13) DUNKIN' DONUTS DONUTS OR 18 KRISPY KREMES!



AT A COST OF $59.95 - $89.95 PER COPY, SOME MIGHT THINK THIS UPGRADE IS A LITTLE PRICEY. AFTER SOME COST/BENEFIT ANALYSIS, HOWEVER, IT IS CLEAR THAT THIS MODEST INVESTMENT TURNS OUT TO BE A REAL MONEY SAVER.  INSTEAD OF MAKING A DONUT RUN TO DUNKIN' DONUTS TO RE-UP AFTER 2 OR 3 DONUTS ARE GONE, DE(PEW)TIES CAN SIMPLY REACH BACK INTO THE DUFFLE AND GORGE THEMSELVES ON ANOTHER FEW DONUTS WHILE ON PATROL AND BEFORE THE NEXT COFFEE & DONUT BREAK.

FINALLY, A LIMITED NUMBER OF BASIC PATROL VEHICLES WILL HAVE TO BE MODIFIED TO ACCOMMODATE THE NEEDS OF THE SHERIFF'S CHICKENSHIT SQUAD (SIMPLY KNOWN AMONG THEIR PEERS AS THE CHICKENSHITS) WHO ARE CHARGED WITH ENFORCING THE CHICKENSHIT ACT OF 2016 BY ROUNDING UP ALL THE ERRANT FREE RANGE CHICKENS ROAMING THE COUNTY. AN EASY IN, EASY OUT CAGE, SHOWN BELOW, FITTED TO THE BASIC PATROL VEHICLE WILL DO NICELY.
THESE BASIC, GREEN PATROL VEHICLES WILL MAKE A SUBSTANTIAL POSITIVE CONTRIBUTION TO SAVING THE PLANET!

BEAN COUNTER TRANSPORT (SPECIAL ORDER)

IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING THAT THE SHERIFF'S MAIN BEAN COUNTER, CRAPTAIN PINOCCHIO CENTER, CANNOT BE OVERLOOKED WHEN PLACING A NEW FLEET OF ECO-FRIENDLY VEHICLES INTO SERVICE. CRAPTAIN CENTNER, A DESK JOCKEY AND PENCIL PUSHER WHOSE ONLY HAZARDOUS DUTY IS BEING PLACED IN THE PATH OF AN ERRANT STAPLE FLYING ACROSS HIS DESK, CERTAINLY NEEDS THE COMFORT AND SECURITY OF HIDING BEHIND A DESK.  AFTER ALL, THOSE CHARGING HEREFORD CATTLE  CAN BE REALLY DANGEROUS WHEN STANDING BETWEEN THEM AND THE FEEDING TROUGH.

PRESENTED FOR READERS' CONSIDERATION IS A SPECIAL ORDER BEAN COUNTER TRANSPORT, WHICH, OF COURSE, WILL HAVE TO BE SPECIALLY ADAPTED FOR PINOCCHIO CENTER, THE BASIC MODEL SHOWN BELOW.  THE BASE MODEL IS ONLY A MODEST $525.00, A REAL BARGAIN TO ACCOMMODATE AN IMPORTANT PENCIL PUSHER LIKE CENTNER!


READERS WILL NOTE THE ERGONOMIC DESIGN.  A MESH BASKET AT THE FRONT OF THE VEHICLE WILL EASILY ACCOMMODATE TWO DOZEN DUNKIN' DONUTS OR THIRTY-SIX KRISPY KREME DONUTS.

READERS WILL NOTE, THAT EVEN TRAVELLING TO STAPLES TO PICK UP ANOTHER GROSS OF LEAD PENCILS, PINOCCHIO CENTNER WILL HAVE THE SENSUAL EXPERIENCE OF SITTING IN HIS PLUSH OFFICE CHAIR RIGHT BEHIND HIS OFFICE  DESK.  THE STANDARD BASKET WILL SURELY HOLD AT LEAST ONE FULL GROSS OF #2 LEAD PENCILS, ENOUGH TO LAST CENTNER FOR AT LEAST ONE MONTH.

SPECIAL UPGRADES WILL BE REQUIRED.  NO EMERGENCY LIGHTING WILL BE REQUIRED.  THE ONLY REAL EMERGENCY TO WHICH PINOCCHIO EVER RESPONDS IS A PAPER JAM IN THE OFFICE COPY MACHINE.

PINOCCHIO CENTNER'S BEAN COUNTER TRANSPORT WILL HAVE TO BE UPGRADED WITH AN AUTOMATIC PENCIL SHARPENER, SHOWN BELOW.

THIS IS A BARGAIN UPDATE AT AN UP CHARGE OF ONLY $20.99!  WITH THIS UPGRADE, CENTNER WILL HAVE NO FEAR OR ANXIETY OF BEING WITHOUT A SHARPENED PENCIL AT ALL TIMES.

ALSO, CENTNER'S BEAN COUNTER TRANSPORT MUST BE UPGRADED WITH AN INDESTRUCTIBLE STAINLESS STEEL PAIL SO AS TO PERMIT HIM TO CONTINUE COUNTING BEANS TO AND FROM DUNKIN' DONUTS. 



THE UP CHARGE FOR THE STAINLESS STEEL PAIL IS NEGLIGIBLE!

THE NEXT MANDATORY UPGRADE IS AN INDUSTRIAL GRADE BROOM TO PERMIT PINOCCHIO CENTNER TO SWEEP THE FACTS AND THE TRUTH UNDER THE RUG, A USUAL AND CUSTOMARY PRACTICE IN THE MEDINA COUNTY "JUSTUS" SYSTEM!




THE BLOGGER, OF COURSE, IS NOT REFERRING TO THE RECENT "PRESS" CONFERENCE RELATING TO THE HOMICIDE OF LAFAYETTE TOWNSHIP TRUSTEE BRYON MACRON.  PINOCCHIO CENTNER DIDN'T SWEEP ANY REAL FACTS UNDER THE RUG SIMPLY BECAUSE HE DID NOT HAVE ANY REAL AND TRUE FACTS TO BEGIN WITH!!!

TRUTH BE TOLD, THE MEDINA COUNTY SHERIFF CONCLUDED ON DECEMBER 16, 2016, THE DATE ON WHICH BRYON "DISAPPEARED," THAT BRYON HAD COMMITTED SUICIDE.  WHY BOTHER INVESTIGATING A "SUICIDE," SO THEY DIDN'T BOTHER!  WHAT A BUNCH OF COMPLETE MORONS WITH NO CHARACTER AND NO INTEGRITY.  KEYSTONE KOPS WITH THE UNFETTERED ABILITY TO SCREW UP EVEN THE MOST INNOCENT OF WET DREAMS!

LAST, BUT NOT LEAST, PINOCCHIO CENTNER'S BEAN COUNTER TRANSPORT MUST BE EQUIPPED WITH A BULLSHIT SPREADER TO BE USED IN ALL FUTURE "PRESS" CONFERENCES WHERE CENTNER ROUTINELY SPREADS IMPROBABLE UNADULTERATED BULLSHIT IN AN UNSUCCESSFUL ATTEMPT TO CONCEAL AND COVER UP THE COMPLETE INCOMPETENCE OF THE MEDINA COUNTY SHERIFF'S OFFICE WHERE CORRUPT POLITICIANS ARE THE TAIL THAT WAGS THE DOG.




WHILE $4,500 MIGHT SEEM TO BE AN EXORBITANT AMOUNT TO EXPEND FOR AN UPGRADE, FAR OUTSTRIPPING THE INITIAL INVESTMENT OF THE $525.00 BASE COST OF THE BEAN COUNTER TRANSPORT, THE READERS SHOULD TAKE INTO ACCOUNT THE SHEER VOLUME OF UNADULTERATED BULLSHIT THAT CRAPTAIN PINOCCHIO CENTNER THROWS AROUND DAILY!

SWAD VAN (SPECIAL WEAPONS AND DONUTS)

THERE ARE RARE OCCASIONS THAT THE MEDINA COUNTY SHERIFF IS REQUIRED TO MUSTER THE RESOURCES OF THE MEDINA COUNTY SWAD (SPECIAL WEAPONS AND DONUTS) TEAM.  ARRESTING ITINERANT MARAUDING AFRICAN AMERICAN MALES TRAVELING THOUGH THE COUNTY ON INTERSTATE 71 TYPICALLY CALLS FOR A RESPONSE FROM THE MEDINA COUNTY SWAD TEAM. 

THE PROPOSED SWAD VAN IS DEPICTED BELOW.


THE BASE PRICE OF OF THIS TURBO CHARGED 150 CC FOUR-STROKE ENGINE, ALTHOUGH NOT ELECTRICALLY OPERATED,  AT ONLY $800.00 IS MORE THAN REASONABLE. THE SWAD VAN IS CERTAINLY SUFFICIENTLY POWERFUL ENOUGH TO TRANSPORT THE ENTIRE SWAD TEAM TO RUSTLE A HERD OF CATTLE OUT OF THE COUNTY'S MANY RURAL ROADWAYS WITHOUT INORDINATE DELAY!

UNLIKE THE BEAN COUNTER TRANSPORT, THE SWAD VAN REQUIRES ONLY ONE UPGRADE, AN INDUSTRIAL BROOM (SHOWN ABOVE) TO SWEEP THE COW MANURE OFF THE ROADWAY.

THE SWAD VAN CAN PROPERLY BE INTEGRATED INTO THE FLEET AS A MULTI-PURPOSE VEHICLE, PERFECT FOR GROUP DONUTS RUNS TO DUNKIN' DONUTS BETWEEN EMERGENCY COW RUNS.

CENTRALLY LOCATED CHARGING STATIONS

WHILE SOME MIGHT QUESTION THE WISDOM OF RELYING UPON AN ALL-ELECTRIC FLEET OF SHERIFF'S SERVICE VEHICLES FOR WANT OF SUFFICIENT CHARGING STATIONS, THAT PROBLEM IS EASILY SOLVED.

THE COUNTY NEED ONLY INSTALL CHARGING STATIONS AT THE SHERIFF'S OFFICE, LOCATED IN PETTICOAT JUNCTION AND AT EVERY DONUT SHOP WITHIN THE BOUNDARIES OF MEDINA COUNTY.  CITIZENS CAN BE ASSURED THAT THE SHERIFF'S FLEET OF BASIC PATROL VEHICLES WILL BE FULLY CHARGED AT ALL TIMES.

IT IS FINALLY TIME FOR MEDINA COUNTY, LOCATED DEEP WITHIN THE LAWLESS LAKE ERIE BAYOU, TO TAKE A FIRST STEP INTO THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY WITH A MODEST INVESTMENT IN "GREEN" TECHNOLOGY!  READING LESSONS FOR SHERIFF'S PERSONNEL COME NEXT!


Monday, August 7, 2017

HISTORY POP QUIZ !

IN ORDER TO OFFER REGULAR READERS SOME BRIEF RESPITE FROM THE NORMAL GRIME AND CORRUPTION IN MEDINA COUNTY, THE BLOGGER HAS DECIDED TO PUBLISH A POP QUIZ TO TEST READERS' KNOWLEDGE OF TWENTIETH CENTURY RELATIVELY MODERN HISTORY.

FOLLOWING IS THE MULTIPLE CHOICE HISTORICAL QUESTION AND THE CORRECT  ANSWER:

QUESTION:  WHO IS REPORTED TO HAVE SAID, "I WANT TO BE A TAMPON?"

CHOICES:  A. BRITAIN'S PRINCE CHARLES

                     B. PHILANDERING ILLEGITIMATE MEDINA COUNTY JUDGE
                          "WEASELPECKER" COLLIER

THINK ABOUT YOUR ANSWER BEFORE POSITING A GUESS!

HERE IS THE CORRECT ANSWER:

A. PRINCE CHARLES IN A LATE NIGHT CELL PHONE CALL WITH CAMILLA BOWLES MADE THE AMUSING COMMENT.

THE ALMOST CORRECT ANSWER:

B. "WEASELPECKER" COLLIER IS ALMOST THE CORRECT ANSWER.  THE LANGUAGE OF THE QUOTATION IS REALLY THE KEY TO THE ANSWER AS ANY ASTUTE READER HAS QUICKLY REALIZED.

THE RATIONALE:

WHEREAS PRINCE CHARLES, A MEMBER OF THE ROYAL FAMILY, CLAIMED HE "WANTED TO BE A TAMPON,"  REGULAR READERS QUICKLY RECOGNIZED THAT "WEASELPECKER" COLLIER HAS LONG AGO BEEN RECOGNIZED AS A TAMPON.

AND A DOUCHEBAG, TOO!