ONCE THE DRUG DEALERS IN CLEVELAND AND AKRON GET WIND OF THE FACT THAT HOMICIDES COMMITTED IN LAFAYETTE TOWNSHIP, THE "SUICIDE" RATE IN LAFAYETTE TOWNSHIP IS CERTAINLY TO RISE DRAMATICALLY!
IN FACT, THE NUMBER OF DRUG DEALERS RELOCATING TO LAFAYETTE TOWNSHIP IS BOUND TO GROW EXPONENTIALLY!
SOON, LAFAYETTE TOWNSHIP WILL BE THE NEW SHOWPLACE OF DOPER RIDES, CUSTOM PAINT JOBS, GOLD LOW-RIDER RIMS, AND 1,000,000 DECIBEL AMPLIFIERS TO ENTERTAIN THE NEIGHBORS WITH RAP MUSIC.
IT SOUNDS LIKE PARADISE DOESN'T IT?
CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING HYPOTHETICAL.
MAURICE, A CLEVELAND DRUG DEALER WITH MANY COMPETITIVE ENEMIES, DECIDES THAT IT IS GOOD FOR BUSINESS TO MOVE TO LAFAYETTE TOWNSHIP TO AVOID THE PRYING EYES OF REAL POLICE.
MAURICE DECIDES TO BUILD A HOME, VALUED AT $850,000, NEAR THE PRESENT LOCATION OF INNOVATION PARK. NOW MAURICE, LIKE ALL ACCOMPLISHED DRUG DEALERS, HAS A PENCHANT FOR FULLY AUTOMATIC WEAPONS SO AS TO BEST THE COMPETITION. MAURICE, OF COURSE, NEEDS A FAIRLY LARGE RURAL PROPERTY WITH AMPLE ROOM TO FIRE HIS AUTOMATIC WEAPONS IN THE COURSE OF TARGET PRACTICE.
AFTER MAURICE'S HOME IS FINALLY CONSTRUCTED AND FITTED WITH SECURITY CAMERAS, MAURICE DECIDES HE NEEDS TO HAVE A FEW PETS AROUND HIS RURAL PROPERTY. MAURICE THEN GOES TO THE APL AND "ADOPTS" SIX FULLY GROWN PIT BULL CANINES, ALL PREVIOUSLY QUARANTINED FOLLOWING ATTACKS ON HUMANS. ACTUALLY, MAURICE DECIDES TO FORM A NON-PROFIT PIT BULL RESCUE AND RECEIVES A TAX ABATEMENT FROM BETHANY DENTLER, THE DE FACTO MAYOR OF MEDINA COUNTY, WITH THE FULL APPROVAL OF LAFAYETTE TRUSTEE LYNDA BOWERS. AFTER ALL, THE FIRST AND ONLY TIME MAURICE VOTED IN ANY ELECTION, HE DECLARED HIMSELF TO BE A REPUBLICRAT.
NEIGHBORS EVENTUALLY BECOME CONCERNED THAT THEY HEAR GUNSHOTS COMING FROM THE DIRECTION OF MAURICE'S HOUSE AT ALL HOURS OF THE DAY AND NIGHT, WHICH SHERIFF'S DE(PEW)TIES DISMISS AS NOTHING MORE THAN MAURICE AT TARGET PRACTICE AT 3:00 AM!
ON THE FOLLOWING DAY, SHERIFF'S DE(PEW)TIES RESPOND TO THE REPORT OF A BODY FOUND LYING ON THE BERM OF THE ROADWAY APPROXIMATELY 1 MILE SOUTH OF MAURICE'S HOME.
NEARBY, THEY FIND THE VICTIM'S ABANDONED BULLET-RIDDLED GOLD CADILLAC.
LAFAYETTE TOWNSHIP TRUSTEES ARE IMMEDIATELY NOTIFIED AND RESPOND PROMPTLY TO THE SCENE. LYNDA BOWERS, AROUSED BY HER CURIOSITY, GOES THROUGH THE POCKETS OF THE VICTIM LOOKING FOR ANY "SECRET NOTES" WHILE THE DE(PEW)TIES LOOK ON, JUST LIKE SHE RUMMAGED THROUGH THE CRIME SCENE AT THE LAFAYETTE ADMIN BUILDING ON DECEMBER 16, 2016, THE DATE OF THE REPORTED "DISAPPEARANCE" OF LAFAYETTE TOWNSHIP TRUSTEE BRYON MACRON, LOOKING FOR ANY "SECRET NOTE" THAT BRYON MAY HAVE LEFT BEHIND (THAT BY BOWERS' OWN ADMISSION).
AT ABOUT THAT TIME, SHERIFF "I DUNNO" MILLER AND CRAPTAIN PINOCCHIO CENTNER ARRIVE ON SCENE. THE CORONER'S INVESTIGATOR INFORMS MILLER AND CENTNER THAT THE VICTIM SUSTAINED 14 BULLET WOUNDS, INCLUDING 6 IN THE BACK AND 2 AT THE BACK OF THE HEAD!
AFTER CONFERRING BRIEFLY, MILLER AND CENTNER COME TO MUTUAL AGREEMENT THAT THE VICTIM OBVIOUSLY COMMITTED SUICIDE!
AT A PRESS CONFERENCE HELD 8 MONTHS LATER, WHEN THE FINAL AUTOPSY REPORT IS RELEASED, CRAPTAIN PINOCCHIO CENTNER STANDS BEFORE THE NEWS CAMERAS AND BOLDLY DECLARES
"THIS IS THE MOST OBVIOUS CASE OF SUICIDE I HAVE EVER SEEN. IN ALL OF MY MANY YEARS ON THIS JOB, SITTING BEHIND A DESK AND PUSHING A PENCIL, BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY I HAVE READ A LOT OF SUICIDE REPORTS.
"WHILE THE CORONER HAS RULED THE CAUSE AND MANNER OF DEATH TO BE "UNDETERMINED," WE CANNOT RULE OUT THAT EUGENE SMITH, THE VICTIM, MAY HAVE DIED FROM SELF-INDUCED LEAD POISONING.
"DURING OUR EXTENSIVE INVESTIGATION, WE LEARNED THAT EUGENE INCURRED A LARGE AMOUNT OF DEBT AND ENGAGED IN ACTIVITIES UNKNOWN TO HIS FAMILY, BUT WE ARE NOT GOING TO GET INTO THAT. WE DIDN'T SPEND A WHOLE LOT OF TIME INVESTIGATING IN MR. SMITH'S NEIGHBORHOOD BECAUSE OF ALL THOSE SCARY BLACK GUYS HANGING AROUND AND OUR SWAD (SPECIAL WEAPONS AND DONUTS) TEAM WASN'T AVAILABLE.
"IT IS CLEAR TO OUR FINE SQUAD OF "SUMMER'S EVE" DEFECTIVES THAT EUGENE SMITH WAS THE ONLY PERSON INVOLVED IN HIS DEATH."
LAFAYETTE TOWNSHIP, UNDER PRESENT CIRCUMSTANCES, IS SURE TO BECOME A DOPE DEALER'S NIRVANA WHERE YOU CAN COMMIT MURDER AND GET AWAY WITH IT!
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