TOWARD THE END OF ACHIEVING SUSTAINABILITY AND SAVING THE PLANET, THE BLOGGER OFFERS UP THE FOLLOWING FISCALLY SOUND PROPOSAL THAT WILL BE A BOON TO LOCAL TAXPAYERS AND IN THE COURSE OF SO DOING, MAKE MEDINA COUNTY THE ENVY OF OTHER LOCAL GOVERNMENTS THROUGHOUT THE LAND SUCH AS COOK COUNTY, ILLINOIS AND DADE COUNTY, FLORIDA (BOTH OF WHICH, LIKE MEDINA COUNTY, HAVE A RICH AND STORIED HISTORY OF PUBLIC CORRUPTION).
THE MEDINA GASSETTE, THE ORACLE OF THE MEDINA COUNTY REPUBLICRAT PARTY, HAS RECENTLY PUBLISHED A PENETRATING "INVESTIGATIVE" ARTICLE ANNOUNCING THAT SHERIFF "I DUNNO" MILLER'S CHIEF BEAN COUNTER AND DESK JOCKEY, CRAPTAIN PINOCCHIO CENTNER IS PREPARED TO APPROACH THE COUNTY COMMISSIONERS FOR MORE MONEY TO PURCHASE TWO NEW CARS FOR DONUT RUNS TO DUNKIN' DONUTS.
ACCORDING TO THE ARTICLE, PINOCCHIO CENTER IS PREPARED TO ARGUE THAT TWO CARS IN THE SHERIFF'S FLEET EACH HAVE IN EXCESS OF 200,000 MILES, THAT IS 400,000 MILES IN THE AGGREGATE. CAN READERS IMAGINE JUST HOW MANY DONUT RUNS THESE CARS HAVE MADE TO DUNKIN' DONUTS?
THE ARTICLE GOES ON TO CITE PINOCCHIO CENTNER WHO CLAIMS THE REPLACEMENT COST OF EACH VEHICLE TO BE $40, 000 PER COPY, FOR THE TOTAL SUM OF $80,000, MORE OR LESS.
CAN YOU, THE READERS, IMAGINE HOW MANY DOZENS OF DONUTS $80,000 CAN BUY?
GO GREEN PROPOSAL
IF MEMORY SERVES, CRAPTAIN PINOCCHIO CENTNER, AFTER DUTIFULLY COUNTING ALL THE BEANS, HAS CLAIMED THAT THE SHERIFF EXPENDED MORE THAN $169,000 ON VEHICLE REPAIRS AND MAINTENANCE. ADD FUEL COSTS TO THAT AND READERS WILL QUICKLY CONCLUDE THAT TAXPAYERS ARE HAVING A SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF THEIR TAX DOLLARS EXPENDED ON THIRD-RATE "SERVICES" (IF THAT IS THE PROPER TERM) FROM THE SHERIFF. READERS NEED LOOK NO FURTHER THAN THE NO-INVESTIGATION INTO THE MURDER OF LAFAYETTE TOWNSHIP TRUSTEE BRYON MACRON, WHICH THESE MORONS HAVE UNSUCCESSFULLY TRIED TO PASS OFF AS A SUICIDE TO COVER UP POLITICAL INTRIGUE IN MEDINA COUNTY.
EVEN STEVIE WONDER CAN SEE THIS CRIME WAS NOT A SUICIDE!
WITH AN EYE TO FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY, THE BLOGGER OFFERS THE FOLLOWING GREEN ALTERNATIVE TO REPLACING HIGH-MILEAGE, GAS GUZZLERS WITH A FLEET OF SENSIBLE, ECO-FRIENDLY VEHICLES SUITED TO PERFECTLY MEET THE SHERIFF'S TRANSPORTATION NEEDS.
THE BASIC PATROL VEHICLE
SHOWN BELOW IS THE BASIC, NO-FRILLS PATROL VEHICLE TO BE ASSIGNED TO THE SHERIFF'S ROAD DIVISION, WITH A BASE PRICE RANGING FROM $355-$405. TAXPAYERS WOULD LIKELY SEE A SIGNIFICANT VOLUME DISCOUNT ON THE PURCHASE OF 50 OR MORE REPLACEMENT PATROL VEHICLES!
THIS STUNNING BASIC PATROL VEHICLE IS STREET LEGAL, ELECTRICALLY OPERATED AND EQUIPPED WITH A HIGH PERFORMANCE 1,000 WATT, 250 CC ENGINE, PERFECT FOR PURSUING THOSE WAYWARD JUVENILES IN POSSESSION OF WEED, THE CREATION OF THE DEVIL!
THE BASIC PATROL VEHICLES WILL HAVE TO BE SELECTIVELY UPGRADED, HOWEVER, AT A SLIGHT UP CHARGE! FOR EXAMPLE, THE HANDLEBARS WILL HAVE TO BE UPGRADED WITH RED COLORED EMERGENCY LIGHTING, SHOWN BELOW.
THE UPGRADE COST IS A MERE $2.44 (WITH FREE SHIPPING), A REAL BARGAIN AT ANY WANNABE COP SHOP! THIS NIFTY LITTLE NUMBER WILL GIVE FAIR WARNING TO DRIVERS TRAVELING AT LESS THAN 20 MPH TO CLEAR THE ROADWAY AND MAKE WAY FOR SHERIFF'S DE(PEW)TIES IN HOT PURSUIT OF THOSE JUVIES LITTERING THE COUNTY WITH CANDY BAR WRAPPERS.
HEAVY-DUTY SHOCKS WILL ALSO BE A REQUIRED UPGRADE. THESE DE(PEW)TIES HAVE REALLY BEEN PACKING ON THE POUNDS WITH ALL THE DONUTS THEY'VE BEEN GOBBLING UP!
AN OPTIONAL CARGO CARRIER, SHOWN BELOW, IS A MANDATORY UPGRADE, SUFFICIENT TO TRANSPORT NO FEWER THAN A BAKER'S DOZEN (13) DUNKIN' DONUTS DONUTS OR 18 KRISPY KREMES!
AT A COST OF $59.95 - $89.95 PER COPY, SOME MIGHT THINK THIS UPGRADE IS A LITTLE PRICEY. AFTER SOME COST/BENEFIT ANALYSIS, HOWEVER, IT IS CLEAR THAT THIS MODEST INVESTMENT TURNS OUT TO BE A REAL MONEY SAVER. INSTEAD OF MAKING A DONUT RUN TO DUNKIN' DONUTS TO RE-UP AFTER 2 OR 3 DONUTS ARE GONE, DE(PEW)TIES CAN SIMPLY REACH BACK INTO THE DUFFLE AND GORGE THEMSELVES ON ANOTHER FEW DONUTS WHILE ON PATROL AND BEFORE THE NEXT COFFEE & DONUT BREAK.
FINALLY, A LIMITED NUMBER OF BASIC PATROL VEHICLES WILL HAVE TO BE MODIFIED TO ACCOMMODATE THE NEEDS OF THE SHERIFF'S CHICKENSHIT SQUAD (SIMPLY KNOWN AMONG THEIR PEERS AS THE CHICKENSHITS) WHO ARE CHARGED WITH ENFORCING THE CHICKENSHIT ACT OF 2016 BY ROUNDING UP ALL THE ERRANT FREE RANGE CHICKENS ROAMING THE COUNTY. AN EASY IN, EASY OUT CAGE, SHOWN BELOW, FITTED TO THE BASIC PATROL VEHICLE WILL DO NICELY.
THESE BASIC, GREEN PATROL VEHICLES WILL MAKE A SUBSTANTIAL POSITIVE CONTRIBUTION TO SAVING THE PLANET!
BEAN COUNTER TRANSPORT (SPECIAL ORDER)
IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING THAT THE SHERIFF'S MAIN BEAN COUNTER, CRAPTAIN PINOCCHIO CENTER, CANNOT BE OVERLOOKED WHEN PLACING A NEW FLEET OF ECO-FRIENDLY VEHICLES INTO SERVICE. CRAPTAIN CENTNER, A DESK JOCKEY AND PENCIL PUSHER WHOSE ONLY HAZARDOUS DUTY IS BEING PLACED IN THE PATH OF AN ERRANT STAPLE FLYING ACROSS HIS DESK, CERTAINLY NEEDS THE COMFORT AND SECURITY OF HIDING BEHIND A DESK. AFTER ALL, THOSE CHARGING HEREFORD CATTLE CAN BE REALLY DANGEROUS WHEN STANDING BETWEEN THEM AND THE FEEDING TROUGH.
PRESENTED FOR READERS' CONSIDERATION IS A SPECIAL ORDER BEAN COUNTER TRANSPORT, WHICH, OF COURSE, WILL HAVE TO BE SPECIALLY ADAPTED FOR PINOCCHIO CENTER, THE BASIC MODEL SHOWN BELOW. THE BASE MODEL IS ONLY A MODEST $525.00, A REAL BARGAIN TO ACCOMMODATE AN IMPORTANT PENCIL PUSHER LIKE CENTNER!
READERS WILL NOTE THE ERGONOMIC DESIGN. A MESH BASKET AT THE FRONT OF THE VEHICLE WILL EASILY ACCOMMODATE TWO DOZEN DUNKIN' DONUTS OR THIRTY-SIX KRISPY KREME DONUTS.
READERS WILL NOTE, THAT EVEN TRAVELLING TO STAPLES TO PICK UP ANOTHER GROSS OF LEAD PENCILS, PINOCCHIO CENTNER WILL HAVE THE SENSUAL EXPERIENCE OF SITTING IN HIS PLUSH OFFICE CHAIR RIGHT BEHIND HIS OFFICE DESK. THE STANDARD BASKET WILL SURELY HOLD AT LEAST ONE FULL GROSS OF #2 LEAD PENCILS, ENOUGH TO LAST CENTNER FOR AT LEAST ONE MONTH.
SPECIAL UPGRADES WILL BE REQUIRED. NO EMERGENCY LIGHTING WILL BE REQUIRED. THE ONLY REAL EMERGENCY TO WHICH PINOCCHIO EVER RESPONDS IS A PAPER JAM IN THE OFFICE COPY MACHINE.
PINOCCHIO CENTNER'S BEAN COUNTER TRANSPORT WILL HAVE TO BE UPGRADED WITH AN AUTOMATIC PENCIL SHARPENER, SHOWN BELOW.
THIS IS A BARGAIN UPDATE AT AN UP CHARGE OF ONLY $20.99! WITH THIS UPGRADE, CENTNER WILL HAVE NO FEAR OR ANXIETY OF BEING WITHOUT A SHARPENED PENCIL AT ALL TIMES.
ALSO, CENTNER'S BEAN COUNTER TRANSPORT MUST BE UPGRADED WITH AN INDESTRUCTIBLE STAINLESS STEEL PAIL SO AS TO PERMIT HIM TO CONTINUE COUNTING BEANS TO AND FROM DUNKIN' DONUTS.
THE UP CHARGE FOR THE STAINLESS STEEL PAIL IS NEGLIGIBLE!
THE NEXT MANDATORY UPGRADE IS AN INDUSTRIAL GRADE BROOM TO PERMIT PINOCCHIO CENTNER TO SWEEP THE FACTS AND THE TRUTH UNDER THE RUG, A USUAL AND CUSTOMARY PRACTICE IN THE MEDINA COUNTY "JUSTUS" SYSTEM!
THE BLOGGER, OF COURSE, IS NOT REFERRING TO THE RECENT "PRESS" CONFERENCE RELATING TO THE HOMICIDE OF LAFAYETTE TOWNSHIP TRUSTEE BRYON MACRON. PINOCCHIO CENTNER DIDN'T SWEEP ANY REAL FACTS UNDER THE RUG SIMPLY BECAUSE HE DID NOT HAVE ANY REAL AND TRUE FACTS TO BEGIN WITH!!!
TRUTH BE TOLD, THE MEDINA COUNTY SHERIFF CONCLUDED ON DECEMBER 16, 2016, THE DATE ON WHICH BRYON "DISAPPEARED," THAT BRYON HAD COMMITTED SUICIDE. WHY BOTHER INVESTIGATING A "SUICIDE," SO THEY DIDN'T BOTHER! WHAT A BUNCH OF COMPLETE MORONS WITH NO CHARACTER AND NO INTEGRITY. KEYSTONE KOPS WITH THE UNFETTERED ABILITY TO SCREW UP EVEN THE MOST INNOCENT OF WET DREAMS!
LAST, BUT NOT LEAST, PINOCCHIO CENTNER'S BEAN COUNTER TRANSPORT MUST BE EQUIPPED WITH A BULLSHIT SPREADER TO BE USED IN ALL FUTURE "PRESS" CONFERENCES WHERE CENTNER ROUTINELY SPREADS IMPROBABLE UNADULTERATED BULLSHIT IN AN UNSUCCESSFUL ATTEMPT TO CONCEAL AND COVER UP THE COMPLETE INCOMPETENCE OF THE MEDINA COUNTY SHERIFF'S OFFICE WHERE CORRUPT POLITICIANS ARE THE TAIL THAT WAGS THE DOG.
WHILE $4,500 MIGHT SEEM TO BE AN EXORBITANT AMOUNT TO EXPEND FOR AN UPGRADE, FAR OUTSTRIPPING THE INITIAL INVESTMENT OF THE $525.00 BASE COST OF THE BEAN COUNTER TRANSPORT, THE READERS SHOULD TAKE INTO ACCOUNT THE SHEER VOLUME OF UNADULTERATED BULLSHIT THAT CRAPTAIN PINOCCHIO CENTNER THROWS AROUND DAILY!
SWAD VAN (SPECIAL WEAPONS AND DONUTS)
THERE ARE RARE OCCASIONS THAT THE MEDINA COUNTY SHERIFF IS REQUIRED TO MUSTER THE RESOURCES OF THE MEDINA COUNTY SWAD (SPECIAL WEAPONS AND DONUTS) TEAM. ARRESTING ITINERANT MARAUDING AFRICAN AMERICAN MALES TRAVELING THOUGH THE COUNTY ON INTERSTATE 71 TYPICALLY CALLS FOR A RESPONSE FROM THE MEDINA COUNTY SWAD TEAM.
THE PROPOSED SWAD VAN IS DEPICTED BELOW.
THE BASE PRICE OF OF THIS TURBO CHARGED 150 CC FOUR-STROKE ENGINE, ALTHOUGH NOT ELECTRICALLY OPERATED, AT ONLY $800.00 IS MORE THAN REASONABLE. THE SWAD VAN IS CERTAINLY SUFFICIENTLY POWERFUL ENOUGH TO TRANSPORT THE ENTIRE SWAD TEAM TO RUSTLE A HERD OF CATTLE OUT OF THE COUNTY'S MANY RURAL ROADWAYS WITHOUT INORDINATE DELAY!
UNLIKE THE BEAN COUNTER TRANSPORT, THE SWAD VAN REQUIRES ONLY ONE UPGRADE, AN INDUSTRIAL BROOM (SHOWN ABOVE) TO SWEEP THE COW MANURE OFF THE ROADWAY.
THE SWAD VAN CAN PROPERLY BE INTEGRATED INTO THE FLEET AS A MULTI-PURPOSE VEHICLE, PERFECT FOR GROUP DONUTS RUNS TO DUNKIN' DONUTS BETWEEN EMERGENCY COW RUNS.
CENTRALLY LOCATED CHARGING STATIONS
WHILE SOME MIGHT QUESTION THE WISDOM OF RELYING UPON AN ALL-ELECTRIC FLEET OF SHERIFF'S SERVICE VEHICLES FOR WANT OF SUFFICIENT CHARGING STATIONS, THAT PROBLEM IS EASILY SOLVED.
THE COUNTY NEED ONLY INSTALL CHARGING STATIONS AT THE SHERIFF'S OFFICE, LOCATED IN PETTICOAT JUNCTION AND AT EVERY DONUT SHOP WITHIN THE BOUNDARIES OF MEDINA COUNTY. CITIZENS CAN BE ASSURED THAT THE SHERIFF'S FLEET OF BASIC PATROL VEHICLES WILL BE FULLY CHARGED AT ALL TIMES.
IT IS FINALLY TIME FOR MEDINA COUNTY, LOCATED DEEP WITHIN THE LAWLESS LAKE ERIE BAYOU, TO TAKE A FIRST STEP INTO THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY WITH A MODEST INVESTMENT IN "GREEN" TECHNOLOGY! READING LESSONS FOR SHERIFF'S PERSONNEL COME NEXT!
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