READERS SHOULD TAKE NOTE THAT "WEASELPECKER," WHO IS AMORAL AND WOULD BE IMMORAL IF HE HAD ANY MORALS AT ALL, DOES NOT CELEBRATE "CHRISTMAS," AN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT THAT THERE IS A GOD AND HIS SON WAS BORN AS MAN, WHICH WE CELEBRATE ON THIS HOLIDAY.
SO, THEN, LET'S LOOK AT THE PLETHORA OF GIFTS THAT DONNA GARRITY, "WASELPECKER'S" "OFFICIAL" COURT REPORTER (WITH BENEFITS), CONSORT, PARAMOUR, MISTRESS, AND MAIN SQUEEZE, HAS PLACED UNDER "WEASELPECKER'S" HOLIDAY TREE!
SPAM
GIVEN THE DELIGHT THAT "WEASELPECKER" TAKES IN SENDING SPAM TO THE BLOGGER'S EMAIL ADDRESS, AND WANTING TO FURTHER FULFILL "WEASELPECKER'S" UNQUENCHED HUNGER FOR EVEN MORE SPAM, GARRITY HAS GIFTED HIM WITH THE FOLLOWING CROWD PLEASERS.
A CASE OF ASSORTED CANS OF SPAM
GARRITY, WHO RIDES IN THE GOLF CART AND FONDLES "WEASELPECKER'S" BALLS AT EACH OF HIS GOLF OUTINGS, HAS COME UP WITH THIS CLEVER IDEA:
SPAM GOLF TEES
TO REPLACE "WEASELPECKER'S" WELL-WORN FAVORITE ASSHAT, WHICH HE ROUTINELY WEARS ON EACH OF HIS GOLF OUTINGS, GARRITY HAS COME UP WITH A NOVEL REPLACEMENT:
SPAM ASSHAT
FOR A CHEESE-EATING RAT BASTARD
"WASELPECKER" COLLIER HAS DEVELOPED A REPUTATION IN MEDINA COUNTY AND ENVIRONS AS A CHEESE-EATING RAT BASTARD. IN KEEPING WITH THAT THEME, GARRITY HAS COME UP WITH SOME UNIQUE HOLIDAY IDEAS FOR THIS CHEESE-EATING RAT BASTARD.
FIRST UP, AN ASSORTMENT OF CHEESE WHEELS THAT GO GREAT WITH A COMPLEMENTARY WINE LIKE RIPPLE OR WILD IRISH ROSE, TWO OF "WEASELPECKER'S" FAVORITES.
ASSORTED CHEESE WHEELS
AND HOW ABOUT SOME HIGH-FASHION EVENING ATTIRE FOR THOSE ROMANTIC LATE-NIGHT DINNERS AT TACO BELL?
COMMEMORATIVE RAT BASTARD TEE
GIVEN GARRITY'S LONGSTANDING SORDID SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH COLLIER, SHE IS AWARE THAT "WEASELPECKER" IS PRONE TO GET THE MUNCHIES. THIS NEXT GIFT, A FULL CASE OF GIANT-SIZED CHEEZ-ITS, IS GUARANTEED TO SATIATE THE MOST RAVENOUS APPETITE OF A CHEESE-EATING RAT BASTARD LIKE "WEASELPECKER" COLLIER.
GIANT-SIZED CHEEZ-ITS
WHEN GNAWING ON CHEESE AND CHEEZ-ITS JUST WON'T DO, GARRITY GIFTED "WEASELPECKER" WITH A FULL CASE OF IMPORTED FISH PRODUCTS.
PERSONAL HYGIENE FOR THOSE ON THE "GO"
GIVEN THE NUMBER OF "ACCIDENTS" THAT "WEASELPECKER" HAD DURING HIS SASQUATCH HUNT, DROPPING A NUMBER OF LOADS IN HIS DRAWERS UPON SIGHT OF SASQUATCH, DOCUMENTED ELSEWHERE AT THIS BLOG, GARRITY HAS GIFTED "WEASELPECKER" WITH A VERY USEFUL GIFT OF A VIPOO TRAVEL PACK TO KEEP THOSE PESKY ODORS AWAY.
VIPOO TRAVEL PACK
IN ORDER TO DECREASE THE DISCOMFORT ASSOCIATED WITH THE COLD WEATHER DURING "WEASELPECKER'S" LONG JOURNEYS FROM THE MEDINA COURTHOUSE, MOSQUE, BROTHEL & RAILROAD STATION TO GARRITY'S CRIB, AN HAND-KNITTED TROUSER SNAKE.
ONE-EYED TROUSER SNAKE
PERSONAL COMFORT GIFTS
UNDERSTANDABLY, DONNA "HAVE IT YOUR WAY" GARRITY WANTS "WEASELPECKER" TO BE COMFORTABLE WHILE TRAVELING TO AND FROM HER CRIB AND WHILE THEY SNUGGLE IN FRONT OF THE SMOLDERING EMBERS OF GARRITY'S BARBECUE GRILL AS THEY ALTER TRANSCRIPTS FOR THE COURT OF APPEALS.
FIRST OF ALL, GARRITY HAS HANDCRAFTED A PERSONALIZED KNIT STOCKING CAP TO KEEP OUT THE CHILL FROM COLD WINTER WINDS AND TO PROTECT "WEASELPECKER'S" CHROME DOME FROM FROSTBITE. THE EAR FLPS ARE AN ADDED BONUS!
PERSONALIZED KNIT STOCKING CAP
FOR THOSE NIPPY ROMANTIC EVENINGS WHEN GARRITY AND "WEASELPECKER" ARE SNUGGLING BESIDE THE DYING EMBERS OF GARRITY'S BARBECUE GRILL, GARRITY HAS GIFTED "WEASELPECKER" WITH A HIGH-QUALITY FORM-FITTING SNUGGY, WHICH CAN ALSO FUNCTION AS A SLEEPING BAG IN A PINCH!
FORM-FITTING SNUGGY
GIFTS FOR THE "OFFICE" AT KANGAROO COURTROOM #1
REGULAR READERS OF THIS BLOG SHOULD BE WELL AWARE THAT, BESIDES BEING "WEASELPECKER" COLLIER'S CONSORT, PARAMOUR, MISTRESS AND MAIN SQUEEZE, SHE IS ALSO DESIGNATED AS "WEASELPECKER'S" "OFFICIAL" COURT REPORTER (WITH BENEFITS).
IT IS ONLY REASONABLE THAT GARRITY WOULD THINK OF "WEASELPECKER'S" CORRUPT "LEGAL" CAREER AS A "jUDGE" AND THIRD-RATE, LOW-LIFE, BOTTOM-FEEDING, SCUMBAG ATTORNEY.
LET'S LOOK AT SOME OF THESE GIFTS!
FIRST OF ALL, SOME LEGAL "RESEARCH" MATERIALS THAT "WEASELPECKER" MAY WISH TO CONSULT BEFORE CONDUCTING ONE OF THE CHARADES HE CHARACTERIZES AS A "TRIAL," ALL THE WHILE DELIBERATELY DEPRIVING CHARGED DEFENDANTS OF THEIR CONSTITUTIONAL PROTECTIONS. TRUE, "WEASELPECKER" WIL LIKELY FIND THE CONTENT OF LAW FOR DUMMIES MORE THAN CHALLENGING, BUT ROME WASN'T BUILT IN A DAY AND THIS MORON NEEDS TO START SOMEWHERE.
A REVISED EDITION OF LAW FOR DUMMIES
TO BRIGHTEN UP "WEASELPECKER'S" DRAB CHAMBERS, WHERE GARRITY HAS SPENT MANY AN AFTERNOON "CONSULTING' WITH "WEASELPECKER," GARRITY HAS GIFTED "WEASELPECKER" WITH A NEW, BRIGHTLY COLORED AMERICAN FLAG.
A CURIO & PORTFOLIO
WHEN OUT AND ABOUT, PARTICULARLY ON THEIR SUMMER WEEKEND TRYSTS, "WEASELPEKER" IS CONSTANTLY ON THE LOOKOUT FOR CAMEL TOES.
WHILE THIS IS PUZZLING TO GARRITY, SHE WENT THE EXTRA MILE FOR HER "MAN" (USING THAT TERM RATHER LOOSELY) AND OBTAINED A GENUINE CAMEL TOE FROM AN AKRON TAXIDERMIST.
WHEN OUT AND ABOUT, PARTICULARLY ON THEIR SUMMER WEEKEND TRYSTS, "WEASELPEKER" IS CONSTANTLY ON THE LOOKOUT FOR CAMEL TOES.
WHILE THIS IS PUZZLING TO GARRITY, SHE WENT THE EXTRA MILE FOR HER "MAN" (USING THAT TERM RATHER LOOSELY) AND OBTAINED A GENUINE CAMEL TOE FROM AN AKRON TAXIDERMIST.
GENUINE CAMEL TOE
TO SWEETEN THE POT EVEN FURTHER, GARRITY GIFTED "WEASELPECKER" WITH A PORTFOLIO OF CAMEL TOE PHOTOGRAPHS.
FINALLY, FOR THOSE LOCAL WEEKEND TRYSTS
CAMEL TOE PHOTOGRAPHS
FINALLY, FOR THOSE LOCAL WEEKEND TRYSTS
NEEDLESS TO SAY, GIVEN THE VAGARIES OF NORTHERN OHIO WINTER WEATHER, IT IS NOT ALWAYS POSSIBLE FOR "WEASELPECKER" AND GARRITY TO TRAVEL THOSE LONG DISTANCES FOR THEIR REGULAR WEEKEND TRYSTS.
FOR THOSE OCCASIONS WHEN "WEASELPECKER" NEEDS TO CHECK INTO A LOCAL MOTEL FOR ONE OF HIS REGULAR WEEKEND TRYSTS WITH GARRITY, A GIFT OF CLEVER DISGUISES.
A DOZEN CLEVER DISGUISES
THOSE PROSTHETIC NOSES WORK EVERY TIME!
SURELY "WEASELPECKER" HAS HAD A MERRY HOLIDAY SEASON, RECHARGED, AND READY FOR ANOTHER YEAR OF SCREWING AS MANY CITIZENS AS POSSIBLE IN HIS KANGAROO COURTROOM #1.
THE UNITED STATES CONSTITUTION AND THE LAW BE DAMNED!
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